10 Things I Shall Miss about Home (in no particular order):

1. My Bed -- My bed is amazingly comfortable. Most of the time, I can fall asleep immediately in the foam mattress and soft feather blankets. My bed has served as a place to read my humane letters homework (even though I know I'm not supposed to do that...), a place to have pillow talk with my mom and all four sisters (it's a big bed), a place to cry, a place to laugh, a place to write, a place to pray, and a place to dream.
2. My Car -- I have loved the freedom to go where I need to go when I need to go there. If I feel like a Jamba Juice, I can go get in my car and drive there. If I want to go to the movies, I can go.
3. Ceiling Fans -- Yes, it seems strange, but ceiling fans are my favorite things about Arizona homes. I fall asleep much faster when a ceiling fan is blowing. I like being cold so I can snuggle in the covers. (Yes, I just used the word snuggle.) I also like the sound of a ceiling fan; it's quite soothing. A regular old fan cannot replace a ceiling fan. It's just not the same.
4. Our Grand Piano -- For the piano players out there, you know there's nothing like playing your own piano. It's the piano you have practiced hours on end on, perfecting each and every detail. The touch to one's own piano is very unique, and I shall miss my piano. I love it's touch, it's sound, the pedals, and its grandeur. And even though I don't say I shall miss Mark's constant pounding away at "Danzas Argentinas," I know I will. Luckily, there's many a piano at BYU, just not mine.
5. Chandler Prep -- Well, this one's a given. I will miss (almost) everything about Chandler Prep: My senior class that became a family, cheering at Titan games, the senior lunch room shenanigans, my Greek class and the many "discussions" we had, Dr. Cates' amazing ability to make everything make sense, the humane letters discussions, our Drama performances, and the dear friends I have made and learned so much from. Chandler Prep is forever a part of who I am; the insights and knowledge I gained there have and always will shape my thoughts, ideas, and actions.
6. Arizona Winters -- Arizona winters are basically, without question, perfect. Although I'm very excited to actually have seasons in Utah, I will miss Arizona's perfect winters.
7. Camping and Hiking -- We seem to be really into camping and hiking lately. We always seem to get lost, and I'm usually the last one to finish. I've even had some near death experiences. But, I will miss these hikes.
8. Sunday Dinner -- My family of nine has dramatic Sunday dinners. Anna always wants to talk and whenever she feels like we aren't listening she yells out: "Listen to me! Listen to me!" We always have the most random conversations, about what we learned at church that day, ways we can keep the house more tidy, politics, the Dodgers, and random stories about random people. We'll talk about how many teeth Anna has lost, Ben's sports stats updates, Harrison's latest crazy stunt he has planned, Mary's youtube video impersonations, Sarah's schedule for the week, Mark's worries for Math class, and the book I am reading. All in one dinner. Yes, I will miss these dinners very much.
9. My Father's sense of "humor" -- How do you kill a purple elephant? You shoot it with a purple elephant gun. How do you kill a green elephant? You shoot it with a green elephant gun. How do you kill a red elephant? You shoot it with a red elephant gun. How do you kill a white elephant? You shoot it with a white elephant gun? Wrong. You paint it purple and shoot it with a purple elephant gun. Ha. Ha. Ha. My dad is funny because he laughs at his own jokes. My dad is funny because he thinks he is funny.
10. My Family -- Yes, I will miss them most of all. All week Anna has been coming up with reasons why I shouldn't go to college. My mom will suddenly cry out how different it will be when I am gone. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet, or I just don't want to believe it. But this aspect, I do not want to change. I will miss the constant noise. And although sometimes I just want to escape it, the noise is comforting. The constant chatter, laughing, yelling, sink running, timer going off for the cookies in the oven, Mary's singing in the shower, Ben and Harrison wrestling, Zoe's barking, Anna's screeching, the vacuum, and the piano. And the silence on a Sunday afternoon while people are napping, even that has a noise to it. I will miss my mom's continuous questioning - an expression of her love and care. Mark's contagious laugh, and Sarah's crafts spread out all over the table. And even though I keep reassuring my family I will be back for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I know things are changing. I won't be here when Mary goes to her Junior Prom, or when Harrison plays a football game. But I will always be their oldest sister, who loves them and prays for them every day. I will always be a part of 9Strong.

Jump

I am hiking around Avalanche Lake in Glacier, Montana with my dad and brother. I stop at a freezing stream. It’s not too wide, and Mark and my dad hop across it without a second thought. I stop at the water’s edge. The water is moving very fast and it is icy cold. Eying the large, wobbly rock in the middle of the stream, I know I have to jump there to get to the other side. I stand at the bank, scared to jump. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of – that I will fall? That I will hurt myself? That I will slip? I am unwilling to leap across the stream to get to the other side. My dad and Mark are cheering me on, as we laugh at my ridiculous fear. Finally, my dad stands on the rock in the middle of the stream and holds out his hand. Slowly, I grab it, and jump onto the rock. From there I jump to the other side of the stream.

We all have moments like this. Standing on the edge of cliff, ready to jump into the lake at the bottom. A diving board. The moment before you jump out of the plane, praying that your parachute will work. That moment, where you decide to jump off the bridge, trusting that bungee jumping is actually safe. I’ve never actually been cliff jumping, sky diving, or bungee jumping. Heck, I can’t even jump across a little stream :) But we all experience things like this every day, the moment where we choose to follow through with a decision. To me, the scary thing is not jumping into the unknown – jumping onto the rock hoping it’s sturdy. No. The scary part is letting go of the edge of the stream. Of forcing your knees to bend and your feet to leave the ground. To leave the cliff behind. To leave the other side of the bank behind. To let go of your comfort zone. To say goodbye to your past, not fear the future, and embrace the present. Embrace the free falling. Embrace the moment you land in the water.

It’s getting on a plane to college. It’s embracing your greatest fears and facing them.

It’s speaking out in a crowd. Standing alone when everyone disagrees with you.

It’s taking a risk.

Next week, I get on a plane to go to BYU. To live with six girls in an apartment. To cook my own food and make my own money. My comfort zone is laughing with my family in a suburban on a road trip somewhere. It’s watching a chick flick with my mom and sisters on a Sunday night. It’s sitting at the foot of my parents’ bed, confiding with and listening to them. Going to church on Sunday for three hours, sitting next to Luke Rallison in Sunday School, and shaking my bishop’s hand in the hallway. Coming home from school, teaching piano, doing my calculus homework, reading some philosophy, and eating dinner with my family. Sitting in a humane letters discussion and voicing my opinion.

But now I get to take that leap. I am going to BYU. I still will watch a chick flick on Sunday nights, but with my roommates. I will still go to church every Sunday, but I won’t sit next to Luke in Sunday School and I will have a new bishop. My classes will be different – they won’t be the familiar Socratic discussions with my best friends I’ve known since I was 12. They’ll be lectures, on social science. Bigger classes. But I’m excited. I’m excited to learn new things. I’m scared to cook healthy, yummy food on my own – but my mother has been training me my whole life for that :) I’m scared to manage my finances and earn a living, but my dad is a genius with managing finances and will always be there for me.

I’m scared to live by myself, but I am excited. It’s a new chapter in the book of my life. I don’t know if I will ever be ready or fearless. But, I must jump.